by Rufina Fajardo
“May Systemic Lupus Erythematosus ka, at incurable ‘yan,” the doctor told me in November 2009, while holding the results of my laboratory tests. Lupus is an autoimmune disease that affects all the organs in the body. On the outside, I had skin rashes, calcifications, and swollen joints. On the inside, I was tormented day and night with constant headaches, bodyaches, and nightmares. It never occurred to me that I could die of lupus because there was something I was more afraid of than death. I was afraid to live! I was afraid of being successful. My notion of success was distorted by the events of my childhood. I somehow equated finishing my studies and financial success with a broken family and a miserable life.
When my father started earning seven times more than what a typical engineer in the eighties earned, things deteriorated in our family. Everyday there was a drinking spree, and every night was a rein of terror as my father vented his frustrations on us. My father and his brothers had a family feud over property. He was particularly mad at his eldest brother, and so, he beat me because I was his eldest child. He said he didn’t want me to become like his eldest brother who was selfish. However, it wasn’t clear what I did that deserved punishment. For awhile I felt like I never even existed, because my mother was too weak to stop him, and nobody came to help me, not even the neighbors when I cried for help. Although, in time, I was able to forgive my father, unconsciously, I had learned to be afraid of success.
Gradually, I learned God’s love could not coexist with fear. I could not believe in God’s love for me and still be afraid to graduate, or to be successful earning money. Secondly, I realized my love ones would suffer if I was afraid of prospering. If I died penniless, my family would have to shoulder the burden of my funeral. Lastly, I was like the man who hid his one talent and got punished in the end (Matthew 25:14-30). God challenged me to take a risk and do my best to fulfill my potential—without being afraid.
The lessons I learned did not occur to me all once. Because of the lupus, I did all sorts of things to keep myself busy and occupied, and to take my mind off my pain. I did carpentry to tire myself out so that I could sleep well at night. I created a mini library at home, and taught kids from the neighborhood to read and appreciate math. The happiness I felt from teaching children led me to enroll in a university near my house and take a course in education.
As usual, during the last semester of university, I had all sorts of excuses for not wanting to graduate. I confessed my fear to the Lord. I told Him that graduating was traumatic for me, but I would like to surrender my fear to Him. I informed my church mates and asked for their prayers. In 2014, I graduated top of my batch and had the chance to thank God in front of 11,000 people during the valedictory speech.
My husband was a gift from God because he was with me throughout my suffering. I remember when I told him about my illness. He cried, but he said that he believed in his heart that the Lord would heal me. What happened was, God used the illness to heal my real disease, fear of success. I am finished with fear!
